By Emmanuel Hospice
greer@wktv.org

If you’re wondering how you’ll get through the holiday season knowing it may be your last with a loved one – or your first without them – know that you’re not alone.

That’s the main message Emmanuel Hospice Bereavement Coordinator Katie Mayberry wants you to hear as the holidays approach. In addition to sharing resources for free one-on-one and group support, Mayberry has several suggestions for coping with grief around the holidays.

“We recognize this time of year can be especially difficult for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one or anticipating their loved one’s passing,” she says. “A lot of different emotions can come to the surface, which can be difficult to navigate on top of all the usual stressors that come with the holidays.”

Grief can bring on a spectrum of emotions. Mayberry says it’s common to feel sorrowful, angry or empty, but there may also be relief, appreciation and gratitude. Guilt also can be associated with grief, especially when experiencing moments of happiness when your loved one is no longer with you.

“Allow yourself to experience moments of comfort and joy, alongside the lower moods,” Mayberry encourages. “If you find yourself laughing or smiling, or experiencing other positive emotions during the holidays, know they do not cancel out your sadness, nor does it mean you have forgotten your loved one.

“There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but what is important is to recognize everyone grieves differently. Allow yourself to feel emotions as they come up.”

Families who currently have a loved one in hospice care may want to focus on prioritizing quality time together and creating lasting memories during this holiday season. This will likely mean tailoring the celebration to the patient’s abilities and comfort level and your own capacity as a caregiver, even if it means scaling back on festivities.

“Acknowledge that things will be different this year, and remind yourself it’s OK to modify your normal routine,” Mayberry says. “If possible, have open communication with your loved one about their wishes. Invite them into the conversation about the holidays and ask how they want to participate.

“If a conversation isn’t possible, think of creature comforts your loved one has enjoyed in the past and incorporate them into your get-together.”

For families going into the holiday season after the loss of their loved one, activities of remembrance and reflection can be helpful. Mayberry says there are many ways to honor your loved one that can also be therapeutic for you:

• Create mementos such as an ornament or wreath with elements that represent your loved one.
• Light a candle during your holiday activities in honor of them.
• Cook a dish they loved and talk about it during the meal.
• Donate or volunteer to support a cause they cared about.
• Do an act of kindness in their memory.
  
  

“Doing things that make you feel connected to that person can be really comforting,” Mayberry adds. “And while these activities can be meaningful for some people, others may not be in a place to do any of them this holiday season, and that’s OK, too.”

Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, and that’s where professional grief support can help. Emmanuel Hospice’s grief support services are open to anyone in the community on a grief journey regardless of whether they have a prior connection with the nonprofit organization or hospice care. More information about upcoming support groups is available at EmmanuelHospice.org/grief-support.

If anyone is looking for additional resources on how to cope, they can reach out directly to Emmanuel’s grief support team by emailing EHbereavement@EmmanuelHospice.org or calling 616-719-0919.

By Emmanuel Hospice

greer@wktv.org

Each time Kaitlyn Dawson has lost a patient, she takes the time to draw a flower commemorating the time and space the two enjoyed together and to honor a life well-lived. Her bittersweet bouquet includes some 200 flowers to date.

In her role as education manager for Emmanuel Hospice, Dawson believes that taking the time to memorialize and remember someone who dies is a productive way to deal with grief. She shares her sentiments with others who work on behalf of Emmanuel to help patients through their respective transitions.

“It’s adopting a rhythm and a practice that engages the grief and embraces the life someone led,” says Dawson, who worked many years as a social worker. “It doesn’t have to be drawing a flower, though. It can be virtually anything – lighting a candle, saying a prayer, writing in a journal.”

The key, she notes, is to “establish a practice of tangibly acknowledging their place and our own place in this world, and commemorating something – someone – we’ve lost.”

Dawson moves through her drawings and comes upon one of a hydrangea: “Every time I look at this, it makes me think of Carol,” she says. “I remember my time with her. I remember her smile and how loving she was. I remember how she always greeted me with a hug, no matter what the day was like or what was going on.”

Dawson doesn’t spend time ascribing a certain flower to each person. She picks the flowers at random. “It’s more about the practice of doing it. I use pen and pencil and pastels and crayons. I use simple notebook paper. It’s easy and affordable and yet, it matters.”

Dawson majored in art while in college, and initially had planned to specialize in ceramics before pivoting into social work. But she emphasizes that you don’t have to have a special talent to memorialize someone.

“Start with something that is most meaningful to you – music, words, a place. Think about how to share that in a special time and space. How can I create a rhythm or practice that honors that person? Simply putting thoughts down on paper – perhaps by writing a letter they’ll obviously never see – has power.”

Dawson references the picture boards we assemble for the funeral home and laments how after the service “suddenly, they’re gone.”  But a lasting memorial or practice is a way to honor that person as often as every day and offers ways to create something that grows and lasts.

Even taking a 10-minute walk while remembering someone is a way to make a difference in a purposeful manner: “The practice of connecting the emotion and feeling to a physical act is what’s important – and in that respect, the sky’s the limit.”

“Grief,” says Dawson, “is an important emotion we need to protect, because it never leaves us and is always evolving. Our lives transform around it. When we honor our grief by paying attention to and holding space for it, we have the opportunity to find new ways to love the ones we’ve lost.”

For more information about Emmanuel Hospice, call 616-719-0919 or visit emmanuelhospice.org