Running in Silence; an All-American runner’s battle with an eating disorder

By Cris Greer
WKTV Managing Editor
greer@wktv.org

Way back in kindergarten, accomplished distance runner Rachael Steil’s life path became extremely clear.

The future cross country and track star said it all began with a quarter mile field day race at age five. She remembers her mom cheering her on as she ran down the home stretch to a second-place finish.

“My mom was a runner at the time, so I grew up watching her compete in large road races,” Steil said. “Her enthusiasm for running, plus my excitement for taking second in my class, made me eager to improve and continue running.

“With my mom’s gentle guidance, I asked for a training plan. By first grade, I ran every other day, one to three miles at a time. I learned pacing, the joy of running, and how to race. I thrived off my mom’s excitement and joy for me.”

Making mom proud

Steil said she loved making her mother proud, and fell in love with the way running made her feel — “free and special.”

“I felt special because I could do this tough thing that took discipline and hard work,” she continued. “I loved that the sport represented these admirable qualities.”

Much later, at Grandville High School, Steil earned All-State recognition in cross country her junior and senior years, taking 29th and 26th, respectively. She also was a two-time cross country captain, cross country MVP, and was All-State in the 1600-meters in track her senior year.

“I was proud of my accomplishments, but disappointed that I put in so much work, heart and time into running, and never ended up placing in the top five in the state, which I’d imagined doing as a kid.”

All-American at Aquinas College

She would later become an All-American cross country runner at Aquinas College. As a freshman, she was sixth place All-American in cross country and seventh place All-American in track, and broke the school record for the 5k in cross country and track.

Rachael Steil was an All-American runner at Aquinas College. (Courtesy, Rachael Steil)

“I was very excited and proud of these accomplishments, but deep down, I felt I only achieved these results by losing weight and cutting out certain foods,” Steil explained. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was struggling with an eating disorder. The eating disorder was difficult to recognize because no one talked about this issue in athletics, and I was performing well in my sport.”

Steil said Aquinas College was exactly where she needed to be, especially while suffering with an eating disorder.

“My eating disorder continued to worsen going into my sophomore year of college when I started a raw food diet. I was bingeing and restricting, constantly injured, and felt that I would never achieve my goals in running if I gained weight.

“The eating disorder and recovery made for some very low points, but I had incredible family and team support, professional help from an eating disorder therapist and dietitian, and other parts of my college academic experience where I could thrive outside of running.”

Realization happened slowly

Steil said realizing she had an eating disorder happened gradually, in multiple moments over the years, often followed by denial.

“I tried to hide my behaviors for about three years,” Steil said. “Going into my sophomore year, I wondered if I’d had an eating disorder when I saw someone else struggling and realized we had very similar behaviors. Then when I began bingeing and hearing from others online about their restricting and bingeing experiences, I started to come to terms with it.

“I fully recognized that I’d had an eating disorder after a few appointments with an eating disorder therapist and dietitian, but I didn’t think it was ‘bad enough’ because I was no longer restricting, but bingeing. I was also at a weight many would deem ‘healthy,’ so I thought that I was recovered and just didn’t have ‘discipline’ or ‘willpower’ anymore. I probably had my eating disorder for about five years total.”

Recovery began with a therapist and dietitian

Steil said her recovery began when she started seeing her therapist and sports dietitian, but it wasn’t easy, and definitely didn’t happen overnight.

“I thought I’d just spend a few months working with them and then be on my way, again, because I didn’t think that my eating disorder was ‘bad enough.’ It ended up taking years of therapy and working with the dietitian to understand that my body was never ‘broken,’ and that my identity with running was all-consuming to the point that I was hurting myself.

“I solely depended on running fast for my value, worth and happiness. Recovery was an up and down struggle, with bingeing and restricting, crying, and coming to terms with who I was, where my body was at physically, and what my relationship with running would look like going forward.

“I’m fully recovered today, but forever changed by the experience.”

Running in Silence

Steil founded and now manages the Running in Silence 501c3 (www.runninginsilence.org), where she helps coaches and athletes recognize eating disorder signs, and teaches how to assist someone with getting professional help, and about recovery so they can achieve their potential in both health and athletic performance.

“This is mostly done through engaging, inspirational talks at coaching clinics, conferences, schools and universities,” said Steil, who wrote the book, Running in Silence: My Drive for Perfection and the Eating Disorder That Fed It (available on Amazon and runninginsilence.org).

“Having struggled with an eating disorder as an athlete, and as someone who now coaches (cross country and track at Grandville High School) and is very aware of how prevalent and devastating eating disorders can be, I want to make sure fewer athletes struggle with this alone and that they get the professional help they deserve.

“I want coaches to understand the important role they have in helping to prevent eating disorders or better support someone who is struggling.”